Quotations

“Punishment creates an adversarial relationship and incurs emotional hardening. Time-outs to teach a lesson, “tough love” to….make kids comply are tactics that strain the relationship. When we ignore a child in response to a tantrum, isolate the misbehaving child, or withdraw our affection, we undermine a child’s sense of security. Ordering a child around provokes counterwill – as, for that matter, does bribing them with rewards” Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D., and Gabor Mate, M.D. “Hold Onto Your Kids”.

“Punishment is a very ineffective method of discipline…for punishment, strangely enough, often has the effect of teaching the child to behave in exactly the opposite way from the way we want him to behave! Many parents use punishment simply because no one has ever taught them better ways of disciplining their children” Dr. Fitzhugh Dodson. “How to Father”.

“Discipline is essentially programmed guidance that helps people to develop internal self-control, self-direction and efficiency. If it is to work, discipline requires mutual repect and trust. On the other hand, punishment requires external control over a person by force and coercion. Punishing agents seldom respect or trust the one punished.” Brian Gilmartin, Ph.D., “Human Behaviour” Vol 8, No 2.

“Punishments – non-physical as well as physical – teach children to focus on their own pains and pleasures in deciding how to act. If parents and teachers were to substitute non-physical punishments for physical ones, they might avoid teaching children to hit, punch, and kick: yet, they would nevertheless perpetuate the idea that giving pain is a legitimate way to exercise power…….the consequences could be no less undermining of compassion and social interests.” Joan McCord, “Questioning the Value of Punishment”, Social Problems, Vol 38, No 2.

“Let’s raise children who won’t have to recover from their childhood.” Pam Leo

“There is no single effort more radical in its potential for saving the world than a transformation of the way we raise our children.” Marianne Williamson

“It takes a truly adaptive parent to sense the futility of harping on behaviour and to stop railing against what the parent cannot change……It takes a wise parent to focus on what the child is reacting to: the circumstances and situations surrounding the child. In other words, a parent must first let go of trying to change the child.” Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D., and Gabor Mate, M.D., “Hold On to Your Kids“