The world truly has gone sticker crazy. My child comes home from school every day covered in the darned things. Whenever I ask him what they were for his answers range from a kind or helpful thing he did, to everyday things he did, to things he didn’t do. Last week he got an especially large sticker for ‘looking after a child who had fallen over in the playground’. Sometimes he has a sticker for eating all his dinner (he gets a reward for eating when he’s hungry?!).
What bugs me is that my child is a sensitive boy, always very aware of any distress felt by others around him. He just is, naturally. Not because he’s been ‘encouraged’ to be, or ‘taught’ to be. He sometimes has funny ways of showing it, but he just is. I’m sure most children are if they’re left to their own devices and not tampered with by adults with stickers. It’s intrinsic, not something that can be taught. So giving him a sticker for this particular trait is not only unnecessary, it could be counterproductive.
Alfie Kohn writes in his book “Unconditional Parenting”,
“….researchers have found that children who are rewarded for doing something nice are less likely to think of themselves as nice people. Instead, they tend to attribute their behavior to the reward. Then, when there’s no longer a goody to be gained, they’re less likely to help than are kids who weren’t given a reward in the first place. They’re also less likely to help than they themselves used to be. After all, they’ve learned that the point of coming to someone’s aid is just to get a reward…..No wonder, then, that kids who are rewarded for being helpful end up being less helpful once the rewards stop coming.”
I’d hate to see my child’s natural sensitivity and kindness sabotaged by stickers.
My child has also always been a very good eater with a large appetite. He will try just about anything (including sand, chalk and snow!). So why introduce rewards for something he’s happy to do anyway? Kohn goes on to write,
“Give children an unfamiliar beverage, and those who are offered a reward for drinking it will end up liking it less next week than kids who drank the same stuff without being offered a reward.”
Last week we went to the library. My child has always loved books. He loves getting new books. When we went to check out our selection we were greeted by a lady that asked if he’d like to join the ‘Bookstart Bear Club’. Joining the club, which, by the way, I’m sure is an excellent initiative, at least in its objectives, means that my child will receive a stamp every time we take some books out of the library. When he collects so many stamps he gets a certificate. Oh, for God’s sake.
Yet again, we’re offering children rewards for something they’re happy to do anyway, risking devaluing the activity, as well as promoting self-interest. Kohn refers to several studies that show the problems with this,
“….pay children for trying to solve a puzzle, and they’ll tend to stop playing with it after the experiment is over – while those who were paid nothing are apt to keep at it on their own time.”
Joan McCord writes in her study, “Questioning the Value of Punishment“, in Social Problems, Vol 38, No 2.,
“Studies have demonstrated….that incentives larger than necessary to produce an activity sometimes result in devaluation of the activity being rewarded.”
Kohn concurs,
“The more that people are rewarded for doing something, the more likely they are to lose interest in whatever they had to do to get the reward.”
McCord also goes on to write,
“When a reward is clearly a benefit to the person being promised the reward, rewarding teaches the child to value his or her own benefit.”
OK, I’m over analysing. Granted, much worse things could happen to my child at school than he be given stickers. It’s just a bit of encouragement and praise? Maybe, but aside from all the objections I have raised above, which I personally think are fairly compelling, sticker culture creates an environment of conditional approval. I want my child to feel accepted and loved regardless of whether or not he measures up to adult standards.
Parenting with Understanding 
Totally empathise with this, lauren also returned from the library with that bookstart bear club pack which was subtly dropped in the bin that evening whilst I muttered and ranted the above points in a much less cohesive way than you xx
Is a thanks not also an initiative for doing things, like an older version of the sticker thing?
I know many who’d be peeved by not receiveing a ‘thanks’ for holding the door open. It’s expected, just as a sticker may be to a small child. Would you also try to stop thanking your lo for being kind, to see if they’d continue to do it?
A sticker is only expected by a child if adults have led them to expect it.
Adults giving children stickers indicates to the child the adult’s approval. An adult giving my child a sticker for being kind to another child shifts the focus from the effect of my child’s kindness on the other child, to the approval of the adult. This is not what I want him to be focused on. Much better to make an observation regarding the other child; “I bet Johnny was glad he had you to help him when he was feeling sad”.
People get gratification from a ‘Thankyou’ though, and get the same sence of disappointment from not receiveing that ‘thanks’ that they would from a sticker or a certificate.
To me, the symbolism of the ‘thanks’ and the sticker are the same. I know my 2 1/2 year old will do anything for a ‘thank you’, and I’ve been trying to explain to him that sometimes people forget to say thankyou, but that’s ok, because they still appreciate the nice thing he did for them. He still wants his Thanks.
I still think there is a difference. A thank-you expresses gratitude, a sticker expresses approval.
If there is no difference, then why give the sticker? Why not just say thank-you?
More on rewards in my other post “What’s wrong with rewards“.