I don’t punish my child for his behaviour. I haven’t done for a few years now. Before I made this shift in my approach and attitude I would have thought these statements sounded extreme. But now I often find myself reflecting on how I actually never feel the need to punish. My child presents his fair share of challenging behaviour, yet strangely I never find myself wishing I could dish out a punishment, or having to remind myself not to. The less you punish, the less you need to punish. Punishment only makes behaviour worse. I was commenting on this to my husband last night, then suddenly remembered that earlier that evening my child had hit out at me. Surely this would be considered by many to be punishable behaviour. Yet it never occurred to me at the time, and reflecting on it afterwards, I’m still quite certain that it was right not to punish.
My child had been at school all day. When he came home, after a snack, he said he wanted to play ‘rugby on the bed’ with me. This is his name for playing rough and tumble, and one of our main ways of reconnecting with each other. We had a lovely play and a giggle together for a few minutes, then he heard voices, looked out of the window and saw his friends from next door playing outside. He immediately announced that he wanted to go outside and play with them, but with a hint of regret at ending the time we were having together. I commented that we could always have another play later, and off he went.
There was never an opportunity to resume our rough and tumble play that evening for one reason or another. When I announced it was bath-time my child started bouncing on the bed – a clear and common indication of his intention to be uncooperative. Being accustomed to these tactics, and having various means of dealing with them, I was unphased until he started hitting out at me. His hits were more like swipes, reminiscent of the warning swipe a cat might give with her claws retracted. There was no intention to hurt, but there clearly was the intention to communicate something.
“No hitting” – this time gently taking hold of his hands. I knew there was something wrong, and I had a pretty good idea what it was.
When he was calm we talked.
“Are you sad that it’s bath-time?”
“Yeeeees”, came the sad cry.
“Do you feel like we haven’t had enough time to play together?”
“Tomorrow I’m picking you up from school early so we’ll have all afternoon”, then realising this was trying to fix things and not validating the feelings he was experiencing right now in that moment, “We were playing rugby on the bed then you went outside to play with your friends, and we never got a chance to play again”. A cuddle. “Let’s get ready for your bath really quick so we’ll have time for some extra books tonight”.
A minute later he was playing happily in the bath.
Did he ‘get away’ with hitting? Was a punishment required to ‘teach’ him that hitting is wrong? I think not. He knows hitting is wrong. That’s why he was doing it. He was doing wrong because he was feeling wrong inside and couldn’t quite find the words to tell me about these feelings. He may not even have been sure exactly what those feelings were or what gave rise to them. He may have felt angry at me when he realised the day was nearly over and we had not had enough one to one time together.
I reminded him “No hitting” and gently enforced that limit. I then helped him process the feelings that had given rise to the behaviour. That is all that was needed. If I had responded by putting him in a timeout, or saying ‘no books tonight’, giving him a ‘sad face’ sticker on a chart, or come up with some other parent imposed ‘consequence’ would this make him less likely to hit again? Absolutely not. If anything it would make his behaviour worse. He would feel bad about himself, angrier with me, and more disconnected from me (the very issue that caused the behaviour in the first place), and the opportunity for me to help him process those feelings would have been lost.
He lost control. He did wrong. He’s a kid and he’s not perfect. I’m not going to punish him for that. I will, however, be more mindful of incorporating one to one time into our days. My child is not the only one with lessons to learn here.
Punishment does not teach. Empathy, understanding, and love teaches volumes and equips children emotionally to deal with their feelings and problems in a more mature way.
It is certainly true that children this age misbehave/hit out not because they don’t know it’s wrong, but because they know it is. Biggest problem I have is when child simply won’t do what is necessary, now; get dressed, get ready for bed, whatever. Sometimes a timely wheeze/game can sort it, but often it’s a case of, well, out in the hall you go until you’re ready. Sure, I’m always thinking I could have managed a situation better . . .
It’s certainly not easy when children are being uncooperative as you describe. I try to think what’s driving the lack of cooperation and address this. Punishing might work in the short term, (although I would also ask why it has worked, and at what cost), but doesn’t teach anything positive, and doesn’t address the underlying issue, meaning the behaviour will continue, the punishments continue, and so on…
However, it’s not always clear what the problem is as it was in this post. Have you read my other post about strategies for gaining cooperation (without using punishment or rewards)?
This is an excellent example of connective parenting: the underlying need is addressed and boundaries are maintained without inflicting physical/emotional harm. LOVE!