Osborne’s nursery places for two year olds – barking up the wrong tree again

December 1, 2011

In his Autumn statement, George Osborne has announced plans to extend free nursery places to 260,000 two year olds.  The money is aimed at disadvantaged families.  Osborne states, “Education, early years learning, this is how you change the life chances of our least well-off and genuinely lift children out of poverty”.

Great.  I live in a country with a school starting age two years younger than the majority of the rest of Europe, with a worrying trend towards young children spending longer hours in private nurseries, and yet despite this we have a woefully poor record when it comes to numeracy and literacy attainment, and have just experienced widespread rioting indicating deeply rooted social problems, and this is the answer?  I don’t think so.

The Telegraph reports, “Following the summer’s riots, there were official warnings that the Government should intervene with very young children to set them on the right path through school.”

I groaned when I read this. This is making it all about education.  And money.  It shows a complete lack of understanding of a two-year-old’s needs. Ensuring infant attachment needs are met is the best way to avoid social problems.  Academic success does not ensure happiness and the avoidance of emotional and social problems later on.  I accept that most of the rioting took place in disadvantaged areas, but if we want young people from disadvantaged backgrounds to do well at school, giving them the best possible early years experience is essential, and putting them in nurseries from age two isn’t the way to do this.

Separating two year olds from their parents in the interests of that parent being able to work for 15 hours week, whilst their child is supposedly educated and stimulated in a nursery, is not what is needed.

Mary Bousted, general secretary of the Association of Teachers and Lecturers, had a good point when she reportedly said: “Today’s changes will not bring back the 124 Sure Start Centres which have closed since the government came into office”.

If the government put more money into initiatives like this, where parents can stay with their children for play, groups and classes, and under 3s can experience that stimulating environment  that the government seem to think is so important, whilst continuing to have their attachment needs met, it would be far more beneficial.

Or how about somehow using this money for tax breaks for mothers who choose to stay at home with their children?  I’m not a politician, so I’m no expert on the practicalities, but I, unlike Mr Osborne it seems, recognise the importance of early infant attachment, and do not believe nursery is what two year olds need.  And I’m not saying no-one should ever put a two-year old in a nursery. Not everyone has a choice. But if the government are trying to create choices for families they need to think harder about what really is the best option for infants.

Once again, the government is working under the illusion that separating children from their parents and starting to ‘educate’ them as early as possible is the way to go.  It isn’t.

5 Comments | Media & current affairs | Tagged: , , , , | Permalink
Posted by Jo

Don’t take the bait

November 29, 2011

My son really likes control.  I have become expert in side stepping around power struggles with him.  I also like giving him choices.  Not only do they encourage autonomy, but they give him a feeling of having some control, making him more likely to cooperate with my requests.  I usually find this is true when it comes to eating, a potentially endless source of conflict and anxiety for parents.  However, I’ve recently been experiencing the following scenario.

I give him a choice of what he would like for his meal.  He tells me his choice.  I prepare the requested dish.  He sits down at the table and looks at it.  He starts to whine and say he doesn’t want it.  How annoying is that?

In one of my less patient moments I tried, “Well that’s what you said you wanted, so I’ve made it and you can sit there until you’ve eaten it!”  Result:  power struggle.  Child refuses point blank to eat food.  I get even more annoyed, resort to bribes and threats about pudding or where we’re going after the meal (I don’t agree with bribes and threats, how has he driven me to this?), they don’t work (I already knew that, so why did I try them?), he eats enough to feed a mouse, then either spends all afternoon being bad tempered because he’s hungry, or I spend all evening stressing about him waking up early in the morning because he’s hungry.  Everyone’s a loser.

On the next occasion, in a wiser, more patient moment I tried a casual, “Oh dear, that’s a shame” and carried on washing the dishes.  Child whined for a further 30 seconds, then ate food.  Brilliant.  (I managed to refrain from making any smart arse comments along the lines of “I told you so”, or “Thought you said you didn’t want it”.)

On the next occasion, being slightly bemused by his contrariness I commented, “I asked you if you wanted pasta and you said yes”.  Reply: “Yes, but not with cheese on.” (I had grated some cheese on top. I usually do.  He likes it.)  My response, “Oh dear. You’ll have to take the cheese off then”.  Child whined for a further 30 seconds, then ate food.

What’s going on here?  It’s as if he’s looking for a fight. Is he testing me in some way?  I’ve already given him a choice of what he would like to eat, but it’s like he’s double checking; “Am I being forced to eat this?  If so, I’m not going to”.  If this is the case, it’s a great example of coercion provoking counterwill.

Whatever it is, I’ve definitely learnt not to take the bait.

6 Comments | My stories | Tagged: , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by Jo

Don’t succumb to the pressure

November 21, 2011

When I became a parent one of the many ‘Congratulations’ cards I received was from an aunt with a sense of humour.  In it she wrote, ‘My advice – don’t take any advice’. I laughed at the time, but now I look back at this as the most sensible piece of advice I was ever given.

I’d say the single most important thing I’ve learnt as a mother is to trust my own instincts. To not allow myself to be talked into anything, pressured into anything, or made to behave in a way that is against my better judgement as to what’s best for my child.

But when we choose to parent our children in a way that is not the most commonly accepted way in today’s society, this can be hard, we can sometimes feel like we’re swimming against the tide, and this can lead to feelings of isolation and self doubt.

Overcoming these feelings, and learning to tune out negative thoughts – your own, and those you perceive others may have about you – is an important skill. 

Many parents admit that they feel embarrassed, or that everyone is watching them, when their child has a meltdown in public. It follows that how we handle our child in these situations is likely to be at least in part influenced by these feelings. – What is everyone thinking?  What does everyone think I should do?  Everyone thinks my child is badly behaved, or that I’m a bad parent.

These thoughts are not helpful to you in finding the most appropriate response for your child, particularly if, like me, you parent without the use of punishments, threats or bribes.  ‘What that child needs is a good smack’ – is a comment guaranteed to set your own adrenalin levels soaring, making you less able to be the calm, understanding parent your child needs you to be.  But this is at the extreme end.  Even without hearing comments like this, we still feel the pressure to be seen to be punishing our child for their perceived ‘bad behaviour’.   We must be seen to be doing something, and that something must be a widely recognised response.  Yet strangers, and even friends and family members, don’t have the level of understanding you do regarding the reasons for your child’s behaviour and their underlying needs, nor the knowledge you have as to what works best for them.

It takes practice and time, but once you have learnt to identify this type of perceived pressure as unhelpful and unimportant, you are able to pay more attention to your own thoughts and to your child, and better able to use your judgement regarding your child’s needs.

I think many parents allow themselves to be governed by this pressure in deciding how to parent, and sadly dismiss their own instincts as being the wrong ones.

I would be interested to hear how others feel on this subject.  Do you ever feel judged or pressured, and do you think this affects the way you parent?

4 Comments | Parenting issues and choices | Tagged: , , , , | Permalink
Posted by Jo

How a slice of bread changed my life

November 14, 2011

I have never been a morning person.  I hate getting up in the morning.  I particularly hate getting woken up before I’m ready to wake up.  So for me, one of the hardest things about being a parent and that I’ve never got used to, is getting woken up every morning. Every morning.  7 days a week.  At the weekend, on holiday, on your birthday, when you’re sick, every day.  It’s utterly relentless.

I have tried various tactics to make my son’s waking time later; blackout linings, making his tea time later, bedtime snacks, warmer bed clothes, fewer bed clothes, toys laid out in different ways to busy him for longer before he comes into our room, various different central heating timer settings, fairy lights on a timer switch that indicate ‘OK to get up’, then ‘OK to come into Mum & Dad’s room’……Nothing has really worked.

As soon as he was old enough we started leaving milk out for him to drink when he woke up.  After all, I’m always thirsty when I wake up.  But this was never one of my delay tactics, just something I thought he should have.

A few weeks ago, we added to this a slice of bread.

The first morning, I awoke in a sort of panic.  Where is he?  Is he OK?  Apparently he had got up, eaten his bread, then gone back to bed and dozed back off to sleep.

Every morning since then he has either done the same, or if he has not gone back to bed he has played happily in his room until we get up.  Sometimes for an hour or more.  (and this is a child who never plays on his own)

This is too good to be true. Could something so simple as a slice of bread really have ended the era of the early morning wake up which I was expecting to continue for several more years?

I feel so much more rested, less grumpy and able to face the world.  Why did it take me so long to think of something so basic?

2 Comments | My stories | Tagged: , , | Permalink
Posted by Jo

Ignore Supernanny, not your kids.

November 1, 2011

I recently attempted to watch an episode of Supernanny.  I thought it might at least give me some insight and some blog material.  I think I managed about ten minutes.  I was horrified by it.  It was ten times worse than I expected.

Supernanny decreed that the children needed to play a game (of her choosing) together in order to ‘learn’ how to play ‘nicely’ with each other and not get frustrated if they were losing etc.  The children didn’t want to play the game they were being told they must play.  This was treated as bad behaviour which resulted in them being put on the ‘penalty spot’.  If a child became upset or frustrated they were put on the penalty spot.

And so it went on.  The adults decided what the children should be doing and how they should be behaving.  If the children didn’t want to do it or didn’t behave the way the adults wanted them to they were shunned, rejected, made to feel bad about themselves.  There was no attempt to try to find another method that worked for the child, to talk or listen to the child, to try to reconnect with the child, to address the cause of the behaviour, to help the child with the feelings they were having difficulty managing.  No. The adults were completely intent in their persistence in ignoring any unwanted behaviour.  At one point the child on the penalty spot started hitting himself on the head.  Supernanny’s advice?  That’s right –  ignore him.  Well, yes Ms Frost, because to address this, or even think about it for a minute, might identify your own behaviour as the cause. Just how bad you have made these children feel about themselves.  Just how desperate for their parent’s attention.

Only in Supernanny are we advised that self-harming behaviour is bad, attention seeking behaviour that should be ignored.  Bad, bad advice.

2 Comments | Media & current affairs | Tagged: , | Permalink
Posted by Jo

Change the situation, not the child.

October 21, 2011

Advice I recently read in a book by Gordon Neufeld, Ph.D., and Gabor Mate, M.D., “Hold On to Your Kids“:  “It takes a truly adaptive parent to sense the futility of harping on behaviour and to stop railing against what the parent cannot change……It takes a wise parent to focus on what the child is reacting to: the circumstances and situations surrounding the child.  In other words, a parent must first let go of trying to change the child.”

This was written in the context of a natural discipline technique, but was something I found helpful to keep in mind when my child unexpectedly started crying at school drop off times.  My child has attended pre-school for a year, and never cried at drop off time. It is a situation I studiously avoid, by being very careful about settling in arrangements, so it was to my surprise and great discomfort to find myself in a situation where my child was being forcibly pulled away from me by a less than sympathetic adult, leaving me feeling I had little choice but to walk away and hope for the best.  Walking away from my child when he is crying, however, does not hold any place in my parenting philosophy, so I was determined to find a solution to avoid a repeat of this scenario.  Reports from my husband the next day of a similar experience left no hope that it was a one off.

Since my child seemed fine on collection, and continued to assert, as he has always done, that he likes school, I felt the problem must be something about the drop off arrangements.  What was different from pre-school?  At pre-school the parents went into the classroom with their child, settled them into an activity, and left whenever they were ready.  At school, the children line up when the teacher appears at the door, then go in alone, leaving the parents outside.  This makes the separation much quicker, and takes away any flexibility regarding the exact moment of parting.  My child likes to feel he has control over things.  Could this be the key?

The next morning I told my son that he did not have to get in line when the teacher appeared if he didn’t want to, that we could hide round the corner then run out and shout boo at the last minute, or that he could just get in the line, or go in, when he was ready.  He liked the idea of hiding and shouting boo, so we did this.  I feared he would try to extend the hiding bit in order to delay the parting, but not at all.  He ran out, shouted boo, joined the line, and went in happily.  The next day we didn’t need to repeat the hiding game, but he just took a few moments to decide to join the line.   This occurred some weeks ago, and we have not had any tears since.  A subtle change to the situation was all he needed.

Has anyone else had success with changing a situation?  Or any other school drop off experiences?

1 Comment | My stories | Tagged: | Permalink
Posted by Jo

What’s wrong with rewards?

September 15, 2011

Many parents find it hard to see what could possibly be wrong with using rewards, such as stickers or point systems, to encourage good behaviour in their children.  It is often referred to as ‘positive parenting’ – surely an accepted method of teaching children good behaviour, much better than punishments etc.

The fact is, rewards and punishments are really just two sides of the same coin; the parent provides an external motivator in order to manipulate the child into behaving the way they would like them to.

One major problem with rewards is that they provide extrinsic motivation.  This is the type of motivation that is unrelated to the behaviour, an external something that’s in it for the child.  I’ll tidy up so I can get that chocolate.  Intrinsic motivation, on the other hand, comes from within.  I’ll tidy up because it’s good to have a tidy room; it saves toys from being broken or people from tripping over them.  Clearly the intrinsic motivation is the one we want our child to have.  Some may think that providing the extrinsic motivator of the chocolate initially will then lead to the intrinsic motivation eventually.  Wrong.  Numerous psychological studies have shown quite the opposite; the provision of extrinsic motivation actually reduces intrinsic motivation.  Any real commitment to the task or behaviour is obliterated by the external motivator.  The child does not learn to be considerate or responsible, they do not develop a long-term commitment to the task, they simply learn to do something out of self interest.

Other forms of bribery, such as promising a child an ice cream if they ‘behave’ at the dentist, fail to address a child’s fears and feelings.  It may feel like we’re just giving them a well earned treat, but really we’re just brushing an issue under the carpet.  They won’t stop being afraid of the dentist, they’ll just learn that their feelings are not valid or acceptable and should be suppressed.

Rewards may produce the desired behaviour in the short term, but they have not taught our children what we may have intended to teach them, they may have forced an underlying problem into another area, and they also teach children to do something only when there’s something in it for them, that bribery’s OK, and worst, that they are only accepted and loved when they behave the way we want them to.

Rewards don’t develop a healthy parent/child relationship.  Co-operation comes from a genuine bond of love, respect and trust.

2 Comments | Rewards (& why I don't use them) | Tagged: , , , , | Permalink
Posted by Jo

Validation

September 8, 2011

One of the most important parenting skills I’ve learnt, and one which seems obvious and yet is so often and so easily missed, is that of validating a child’s feelings.  And not just when we agree with them or we think they’re valid.

If we stop to listen to ourselves it’s quite remarkable how often children are told how they should or shouldn’t feel.

“Why don’t you play on the slide?  You love the slide.”

“It’s just an old stick, you’re being silly.”

“You’re fine, it was only a little bump.”

“It’s not scary.”

“It doesn’t matter. Why are you making such a fuss?”

and so on.

Yet children want to know we’re on their side, and that we understand.  It’s often counter-intuitive.  Parents worry that by validating their child’s feelings they’ll make them more upset.  It’s instinctive in many of us to tell a child with a grazed knee that they’re fine, it’s not badly hurt, in an attempt to comfort and reassure them.  Then we start to get annoyed when the wailing continues, and insult their feelings further with attempts at distraction.  If these work, the result is that the child misses the opportunity to release their feelings, and instead, learns to suppress them.  If they don’t work, some parents will start resorting to bribes or threats  to quieten the child down, sending the additional message that their feelings are not valid, and certainly not understood, and that it’s not OK to cry.

I find it’s better to simply share their pain with them, and give comfort through understanding.  “You were having so much fun, and now you’ve hurt your knee and it’s really upset you.  Poor you, you have a good cry and a cuddle.”  This also enables a child to release all their feelings so they can then get over it and move on.  It may lead to more crying, sometimes about something else they’ve had pent up for a while, but it’s better out than in!

Naomi Aldort writes in her book, “Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselves“, “Validation and focussed listening are our way of making it safe for the child to express herself; it is our way of offering love and intimate friendship.  The result of such validation is that the child feels safe to feel her feelings and to express herself fully…….. Children whose feelings and experiences are validated may cry more or they may become angrier precisely because your validation gives them permission to express their deepest feelings.  Once the are done, however, they often move on with no residue of bad feelings. ”

There are numerous other examples of when children’s feelings should be, and often are not, validated.

Replacing “Your new nursery is going to be so much fun, there’s nothing to worry about…”, with “It must feel strange going to a new place. You don’t really know what it’s going to be like” reassures the child that you understand how they might be feeling, and is more likely to get them to talk to you about their concerns, giving you more opportunity to alleviate them.

Replacing “You’re being really silly, stop this right now or we’re not going to the park” with “It’s not much fun for you in the supermarket is it, and it’s frustrating for you that you can’t play with these things.  Try to be patient just a little longer and I’ll be as quick as I can” is actually more likely to bring about cooperation, and heads off resentment, putting you both on the same side instead of into a power struggle.

Replacing “Stop making that silly noise and come upstairs for your bath right now” with “You were having fun playing and you don’t want to come for your bath. It’s frustrating when you have to stop doing something you enjoy.  Come here for a cuddle” is again, much more effective, and builds a much better relationship.

Replacing “It’s just an old piece of string, we can get another one” with “You had fun playing with the string and you feel really sad that it’s lost” is validating something that may seem unimportant and even ridiculous to you, but at that moment is important to the child. If you let them have a cry about it, they’re more likely to release the upset and move on, possibly to a new piece of string.

Sometimes I’m surprised at how well validation works, especially when I often find myself having to say the opposite to what I’m thinking.  But it does work, it is important, and is essential to a good parent/child relationship.

3 Comments | Connection; being an attuned parent | Tagged: , | Permalink
Posted by Jo

Give information, not commands

August 11, 2011

One of many excellent tips I’ve picked up from Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish’s book, “How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk“, is that of engaging a child’s cooperation by giving them information they can choose to act upon.  I’ve been fascintated and really quite amazed at how well this works.

One example is when my son was outside throwing a stick around right by a window. Instead of the instinctive “Stop doing that” I tried “If the stick hits the window, the window could break”.  He stopped, thought for a moment, then said “I’ll throw it over here” and moved into an open space.  (Of course, many parents would simply say they can’t throw the stick at all, but I’ll save that for another post!)  Since then there have been numerous similar examples.  “The fridge door is open” instead of “Shut the fridge door”  (he’s already had the lecture about letting the cold air out etc), “We can’t leave until you’re in your car seat”, and so on.

The beauty of this subtle approach is not just that it usually gets the child to do what you want, but they do it without feeling bossed around, but feeling that they have made a choice; to do the right thing based on the information they have been given.  Surely this has to be better for a child’s developing sense of autonomy and positive self image.

Think about the number of times your child is told what to do every day, day in day out, and how little choice they really have over what happens to them each day.  Anything you can do to alleviate this is bound to be welcomed.

I also like this approach as it is a great example of an attitude towards children and parenting that moves away from that of power and submission; that the only lesson children need to learn is to do as they’re told, and that instead, respects the child, and taps into their basic instinct and desire to please, casting the parent in the role of teacher, not dictator.

1 Comment | Behaviour & coping strategies | Tagged: , , , | Permalink
Posted by Jo

Childcare choices for under 3s – childminder vs. nursery.

July 14, 2011

It is a truth universally acknowledged amongst parents that choosing childcare, especially when you are returning to work after having a baby, is, to say the least, difficult.  Whatever you choose will be second best, a compromise, compared to the loving, sensitive and responsive care you can give your own child.

The childminder or nursery question can be a source of endless debate, but I often wonder  if everyone really gives childminders serious consideration, and I feel it’s a shame not to.

Before having a child, I had never considered the possibility of a childminder, I always thought nursery was just ‘the done thing’.  It wasn’t until I was lucky enough, whilst on maternity leave, to discover that one of my neighbours was a childminder and able to introduce me to a whole network of other childminders operating in my area that I started to consider this as a serious option.  Many parents have heard that a childminder may be a better choice than a nursery for babies.  Something to do with being cared for by one person….

Very young children, it has been shown, need the presence of an ‘attachment figure’ in order to feel safe, and for healthy emotional and social development.  Sir Richard Bolwby, President of the Centre for Child Mental Health, sums this up as follows; “Babies and toddlers in daycare can avoid stress and anxiety if they have a secondary attachment figure who always looks after them. In any situation where they are separated from their parents, babies and toddlers younger than 30 months feel safe only when they are with someone else with whom they have an affectionate attachment bond.”  The negative effects of being left for long periods without the presence of such an attachment figure have also been shown.  Furthermore, these effects are more long than short term, and not immediately apparent.  Bowlby goes on to write, “The chronic stress of repeated separations can show as subtle behaviour and mood changes, but these are easily misunderstood and are often interpreted as babies and toddlers settling in and accepting their new surroundings….. it could become a significant risk-factor that increases the likelihood of children developing emotional problems in the future.”

Despite nurseries’ claims that they can provide infants with this essential bond with a trusted carer through ‘key worker’ schemes and low staff/child ratios, the reality is that many nurseries employ very young and inexperienced staff, and have a high staff turnover.  This compared to childminders who are often mothers themselves, may have been childminding for some time and gained considerable experience, and can provide a stable home from home environment, often makes me wonder why so many parents opt for nursery over childminder, especially when costs are very similar.

A common reason I hear is that parents believe that nurseries are in some way more stimulating, more educational, and the best way for their child to learn to socialise with other children.  However, the pressure group “What About The Children” writes, “Pre-schools or nurseries for the under threes where parents leave their children for long periods are of little or no benefit to children’s emotional development, and can be very negative experiences.”

I also wonder if perhaps some parents have a false image of their child sitting in a childminder’s home all day doing nothing, only leaving the house to accompany the childminder on a trip to the supermarket.  “What About The Children” might argue that this would not be such a bad thing as long as the child is getting their attachment needs met; “Very young children need individual attention and love.  They learn good social skills from imitating responsible adults.  It is a myth to claim that being in social groups with other very young children somehow benefits babies.”  In any case, this false image of childminder care is, in my experience, far from the reality.  All the childminders I know have a schedule of activities that they attend everyday of the week, mostly toddler groups, but also local parks, farms, museums and other children’s activities, where the children will receive the stimulation and learning opportunities that they would in a nursery, along with the benefit of getting out and about to different places instead of being stuck in the same old nursery everyday.  The childminder will also have other children that they care for, and their homes are typically well equipped with a range of stimulating activities, rather like a mini nursery.  In addition your child may benefit from the experience of mixing with older children for a short time each day if the childminder collects their own and/or other children after school.

One other objection I hear from parents when considering the childminder/nursery issue is a concern for their child’s safety.  Firstly, they feel their child is safer when confined to a nursery building & grounds, rather than being taken out and about.  This is understandable – it’s a scary thing trusting the care of your child to someone else.  But is it really well founded?  I doubt if there has been any research that shows a higher death or accident rate for child-minded children compared to children in private nurseries. Secondly, they feel uncomfortable putting all their trust in one person.  Choosing childcare is of course a very personal thing, but if you’re lucky enough to find a childminder you’re happy and comfortable with, it could have been well worth the search.

There is of course the convenience factor.  Childminders go on holiday, get sick, and might not work as long hours as a nursery is open. Everyone has different degrees of flexibility in their working arrangements and childminders just might not work for some.

I am not saying all childminders are good any more than I am saying all nurseries are bad.  I just want to expel some common myths, share my own thoughts, and perhaps encourage parents to give more thought to both options.

 

This article from Nursery World may be of interest.

Also, an article from Annelize Cruz of Free Range Childcare.

10 Comments | School & nursery | Tagged: , , , , , | Permalink
Posted by Jo

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